meant for me

regret feels ugly. like the aftermath of a destroyed forest. regret isn't an emotion, it's an afterthought. a clinging to a past that is no longer "real." often we say "we feel" in regards to things that aren't emotions.

my dad taught me there are three ("negative") emotions: fear, sadness, and pain.

everything you think you feel is rooted in one of those three. some might disagree, but i've found this method to be useful.

what does regret root in? i guess it depends on the situation.

the regret i feel allowing you to leave and him to stay is rooted in sadness. the action itself was rooted in fear. since then, i've only found sadness that i didn't experience that night with you, along with more time in general. the latter thought leads to resentment since i've blamed you for our missed time. then i blame myself again because at times i was the cause of our missed time as well. i got distracted. mostly from myself, but you as well. you weren't exactly begging for my focus, anyway, but that i always forgave.

survival mode awakens instincts of defense. this is not living from the heart but strictly from the mind. instinct. i became a warrior in this mode. everything was fight or flight. i was rigid. unable to follow my heart or live in my desires because of fear. constant fear, sadness, and pain... it all led to much confusion in all areas of my life. i'd never felt a further distance between my heart, mind, and spirit. in my mind, i was at war alone, and i wouldn't let anyone earn their place next to me. i lived out many self-fulfilling prophecies that no one wanted to. the same fear led me to have people in my life who would further perpetuate this violent and unsatisfying reality. the enemy was in my territory, making it so much worse. i couldn't escape. i'm still learning how and why i chose that experience.

both versions and reasons of regret lead to pain. the one regret of making you leave, although it may be minor in the big picture, has stubbornly stuck more than other recent regrets in my life.

you should have stayed. i was afraid of what my life would become if you had. not because of you, or i, but because of them. the next day and few months might have been a deeper hell than they already were. my mind was chaotic, unclear, and it affected almost all of my decision making. i say this not to make excuses, but to also recognize why i shouldn't harm myself with regret, either. i've learned, and i know better now.

the universe intercepted our union many nights. whether it was through you, me, or some shitty destiny. on the wrong night, i am birthed from sadness. on a calm night with a warm breeze, i remain open to all possibilities. maybe we aren't meant to be, but sometimes... god, sometimes i wish you were meant for me.